If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.


“That’s Superman, that’s Batman, and that’s Cyborg. If you won’t call them by their names, I can’t play with you anymore.” – me to my 5yo.


Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]


Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?


WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster



ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?


Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”


[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man