If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

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[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]


A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.


When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.


Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.


“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”


“Hey. Can I call you back? I’m in a middle of something.”

“You said that a week ago.”

“Ya. I’m still working on it.”


trump: u gave hillary 3 scoops of ice cream & i only got 2
icecream guy: u ate the first scoop already
trump: ive never eaten ice cream ever


We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.


Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”