This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
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“That’s Superman, that’s Batman, and that’s Cyborg. If you won’t call them by their names, I can’t play with you anymore.” – me to my 5yo.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man