If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
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Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
a god among men
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!