All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
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Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago