If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
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I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.