[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
peep davidson
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.