@TheMichaelRock

If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you’ll be dead soon.

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@SamanthaaaReece

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

@kingofcreame

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

@Staggfilms

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

@panmidwest

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

@CallousBalzac

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

@FuckTyping

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

@TheToddWilliams

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

@INDlAN_

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

@juliussharpe

At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.