If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you’ll be dead soon.

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I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”


what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs


You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier


IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me


Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.


I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.


[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it


Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’


If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.


At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.