I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.