If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*