@Jc1Johnny

If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria

1. Hair
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1

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@LMGinTN

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

@DelanieFischer

People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?

@TragicAllyHere

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

@Laser_Cat

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

@Darlainky

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

@PS_IRuddYou

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

@AimeeHelene1

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

@Ideal_Victoria

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

@kellysdf

I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.