@Jc1Johnny

If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria

1. Hair
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1

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@Reverend_Scott

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

@SconesMortensen

Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?

*everyone looks at me*

Me [dressed as Batman]: that’s not me, my name is Jack

@Dschnoeb

A woman on the subway this morning said “did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?” So really, we deserve this.

@dorsalstream

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

@elisemarie91

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

@WeissBrandon

Cop: FREEZE, DON’T MOVE!!!
Me: *stops moving*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me:…
Cop: NOW!
Me:…
Me:…
Cop: for the love of god…unfreeze

@thejessbess

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

@SwedishCanary

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

@citizenkawala

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

@CheeseDaydreams

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?