What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
*picks up beef bouillon
*decides against it
*puts it down
*picks up chicken bouillon
– stock exchange
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
Emergency training complete
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.