If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria

1. Hair
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1

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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.


People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?


*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down


You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.


[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.


Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*


Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?


Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.


Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.


I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.


Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.