If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria

1. Hair
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1

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Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”


“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”


Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?

*everyone looks at me*

Me [dressed as Batman]: that’s not me, my name is Jack


A woman on the subway this morning said “did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?” So really, we deserve this.


casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet


Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?


Me: *stops moving*
Cop: NOW!
Cop: for the love of god…unfreeze


I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.


I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.


People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.


My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?