This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1
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People who don’t have a name for their newborn,
What the shit did you do for 9 months?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired
*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard
*start a fire*
People: calm down
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__
Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Studio audience: *groans*
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.