Meanwhile, at the bar:
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1
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Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?
*everyone looks at me*
Me [dressed as Batman]: that’s not me, my name is Jack
A woman on the subway this morning said “did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?” So really, we deserve this.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Cop: FREEZE, DON’T MOVE!!!
Me: *stops moving*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Cop: for the love of god…unfreeze
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?