I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
everyone has that one prude friend
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.