If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
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I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
omg leave her alone
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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