If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
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My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
March 16
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Tremendous stuff
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall