When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
You better watch out
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
How I like cutting carbs
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.