If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I hate everything
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.