If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Ovenable?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
repaired
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…