The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
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Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.