@SteveSuckington

If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?

If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?

- @SteveSuckington

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Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

@DiamondLou69

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

@SortaSarcastic

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

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@ClichedOut

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

@pplwtching

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

@Gooooats

According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.

@briancthayer

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

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