@SteveSuckington

If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?

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@Chumpstring

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate the phrase “let me clarify” because it means someone is about to talk some more.

@heatherlou_

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

@haleysfalling

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

@InternetHippo

Health care reform is a tough sell politically. How do you campaign against health insurance companies, whom everyone loves

@GinAndJif

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

@KevinSussman

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.