if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*


If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.


A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.


I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”


me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco


*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead*
If you’re here then..
[cut to kid bursting through a wall like ‘oh yeah’]


That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.


A girl once asked if she wanted me to play Doctor. I said sure and made her wait in 2 different rooms for 45 minutes.

Humor stops for no one Samantha


‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.