@IamJackBoot

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

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@ThugRaccoons

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

@iamburtjarvis

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

@flashember

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

@juliussharpe

Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.

@SharkJelly

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

@BigBagOfScum

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

@JerynnNicole

Sure, I’ll cook dinner.

How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?

@dumbbeezie

“This is not working out.”

-My trainer, watching me work out

@bonesher

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.