If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
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[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit