Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
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wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
Me: I do
Me: Or do I?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Sure, I’ll cook dinner.
How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?
“This is not working out.”
-My trainer, watching me work out
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
(First day as a doctor)
Hey Siri, where’s the heart