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@TimmyPumpkin

*licks stamp*
hmmm tastes weird
*mails letter*
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp

@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

@freedom2726

Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.

@jonnysun

“ice, ice, baby. ice, ice, bab–no ice– no thats definitly a babey” – man who has a job sorting babys and ice at the ice & baby factorey

@ZennethNevers

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

@_steamy_mac

Don’t be upset it didn’t work out with us, babygirl, I’m sure there’s someone else out there that’s almost as disappointing as me.

@whinecheezits

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

@tchrquotes

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.