it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
screw you
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.