Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email