[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Well well well…
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota