[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll