“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
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Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now