Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

my dad has had enough

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.