If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
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lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
This will never not be funny to me.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.