If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
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Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
twitter is a journey
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.