If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
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Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.