If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.


Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir


When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.


Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.


Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.


[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”


Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.


Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog


Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.