If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?