If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.


Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.


ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.


Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.


Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.


I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?


me: [googling] what do leg bleeding raccoon bite

google: elevate and apply pressure

me: [lifting raccoon real high] apologize or else


Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.


*escorted from Starbucks



Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”