@PrivacyAttorney

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

@_4kidscrazy

Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

@volks__

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

@junejuly12

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

@WilliamAder

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

@arcadeseals

me: [googling] what do leg bleeding raccoon bite

google: elevate and apply pressure

me: [lifting raccoon real high] apologize or else

@iAmJuddy

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

@mydmac

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

@riscfuture

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”