The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You Might Also Like
Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
me: [googling] what do leg bleeding raccoon bite
google: elevate and apply pressure
me: [lifting raccoon real high] apologize or else
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”