If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
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me when i see my girls butt
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Has science gone too far?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*