If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
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Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
craving $300 all of a sudden
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.