My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Well, that didn’t work.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline