*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
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cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
getting groceries