If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
yea so i messed up lol
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.