@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

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@Marilyn_Brando

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

@EliTerry

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

@catlikethiefx0

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

@BryMastas

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

@JohnMayer

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

@Darlainky

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

@4SLars

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

@Thee1_4U

Damn girl, are you a jar of pickles? Because I think I NEED to bang you on my kitchen counter.