Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Damn girl, are you a jar of pickles? Because I think I NEED to bang you on my kitchen counter.