If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
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I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
is this how new cars are made??
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons