If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
You Might Also Like
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me, reading some of your tweets
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Just grow your own
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen