A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
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how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Oh yeah that’s it
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.