@sixthformpoet

If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I’m going to give up on everything.

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@Henry_3000

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

@mommeh_dearest

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

@becabird

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

@tracylynn0220

I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home. 🤷🏻‍♀️🧁

@DaddyJew

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

@Vodkantots

3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
Me:
3:

@SaltyCorpse

My dogs: Get up and feed us.

Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.

My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…

@seangentille

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

@yungsweater

*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”