If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely