Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
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I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.