If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.


*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”


You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.


BREAKING NEWS: Police have said that whoever broke into the station last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.


Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:


Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.


At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.


Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”


ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane


I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.