If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
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i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
181.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Wise advice
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music