If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

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Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?


I want to be important enough to receive a phone call, say one word, hang up and having the end result being something blown up.


Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.


A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy


Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.


As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else


I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.


Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*


Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.