The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days