DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*