– If any person believes that these 2 shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or…
– Ugh, I do.

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Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not


Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .


You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.


I think all the women who don’t get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.


[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are


[Dog tennis match]

Dog: *throws ball up to serve*

*all dogs in the audience simultaneously bolt onto the court*


Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore


So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.


“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift


[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined