a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
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Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Husband of the year 😂
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally