@SamuelHLowe

– If any person believes that these 2 shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or…
– THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT!
– Ugh, I do.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

@dril

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

@Breadery

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

@SummerCandyEyes

I think all the women who don’t get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

@TweetPotato314

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

@_coryrichardson

[Dog tennis match]

Dog: *throws ball up to serve*

*all dogs in the audience simultaneously bolt onto the court*

@GawdOffalTweets

Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore

@Mwass_

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift

@ericsshadow

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined