If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
he was correct
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind