If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

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Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline


The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH


Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, “Who?”


[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*


[at my high school reunion]

Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb’s house?

“Dude that was in 1991.”


FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that


The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.


Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom


I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.