@Marlebean

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

You Might Also Like

@lloydrang

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

@robin_991

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

@JeremyBRoberts

Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, “Who?”

@Brampersandon_

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

@ericsshadow

[at my high school reunion]

Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb’s house?

“Dude that was in 1991.”

@SkinnerSteven

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

@julie2288

The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.

@tastefactory

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

@SondraDeeMe

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.