If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
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My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”