@amhw

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

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@WilliamAder

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

@LionJenkins

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.

@TheBoydP

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

@badAzz_mom

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

@GianDoh

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

@SaltyCorpse

My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

@FunnyBison

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

@michaelianblack

“God” not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don’t worship God. “Money” mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.