If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.