If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
my favorite genre of twitter
Before crowbars crows drank alone
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire