@Whatevah_Amy

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

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@BoogTweets

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

@QwertyJones3

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

@Lhlodder

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

@TheAlexNevil

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

@squirrel74wkgn

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

@ArfMeasures

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

@OrdinaryAlso

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

@MandiAtRandom

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

@RobocopLust

A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.