If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
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Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
just got my engagement photos
A fake ID that makes you younger
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.