@50FirstTates

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

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@brynnester

Me: I have an irrational fear of things
Dr: Such as?
Me: Driving, Swimming and Underground Passages
Dr: You have Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome

@jordan_stratton

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

@Dawn_M_

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

@annetdonahue

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

@T_Bonezzz_

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

@AnExocticBeach

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

@Marcmywords2

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.