@punmagnate

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

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@Book_Krazy

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

@jazmasta

[first day as a doctor]
You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how’s your diet?
[nurse interrupts me]
“Dr that’s the model skeleton”

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

@SortaSarcastic

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

@brendohare

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

@BrettDruck

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”