I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
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[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Me, to my sons: you guys have been so lucky to have each other during this pandemic, I don’t have anyone like that
[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”
Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
One thing I’ve learned about pizza jokes…
It’s all in the delivery.