@punmagnate

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

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@mattkoff

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

@PaperWash

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

@IamEveryDayPpl

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

@OctopusCaveman

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

@VisionBored1

Me, to my sons: you guys have been so lucky to have each other during this pandemic, I don’t have anyone like that

Husband:

@trentistweeting

[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
“No”
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”

@jbillinson

Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE

@UnFitz

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

@Juicedballs

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

@Junk_Boat

One thing I’ve learned about pizza jokes…

It’s all in the delivery.