IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
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Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.